Archive | May, 2010

the art of self-centeredlessness.

28 May

try googling that! (actually don’t, gross. you really can’t google anything these days. Some people’s kids!)

Want to hear about my huge profound revelation I recently came across? (well, apparently you do or else you wouldn’t have clicked on my blog, right?) So, here it goes…as jumbled as it came to mind is as jumbled as its probably going to be blogged. Beware.

Lately I’ve been in this place of “waiting” (I was going to write, patiently waiting, but I better not lie on my own blog).

By the way, I think our whole life, if we really thought about, is a constant stage of “waiting”. Waiting to be finally old enough for school, waiting to finally be in middle school, high school, graduate, college, graduate, get married, find a job, find a better job, find a job that pays better, find a job that might not pay as well but atleast makes you happy, have kids, afford a vacation, buy a house, buy your dream house, grandkids, retirement…understand?

Like I was saying…before I went off on my tangent about waiting, I’ve been in this place of the previously forementioned “waiting”. Mostly just waiting for God to use me in a way greater than I feel I’m being used now…if any. Just waiting for the gifts and talents and strengths and gajillions of weaknesses that I have inside me to be used for something bigger than I could do on my own. Before, I always felt like I had to finally get to a place where I fully trusted God in his timing and stopped yelling at him to conform to mine. I felt like I had to get to this place where I could honestly say with every fiber of my being that whatever God wanted to do with my life, he could…I was willing. And besides the sometimes overwhelming thoughts of believeing I had to be perfect in the spiritual sense (you know, read my bible 80 hours a day, memorize the entire new testament, blast Point of Grace music out of my car and become Mother Thresea’s right wing woman) I felt like I had finally come to terms with it all. I could and still can, honestly say, I really do trust in God’s timing for anything & everything in my life and that I really am willing to do what He wants me to do.

In not my most humblest of moments, I sheepishly grinned to God exlaiming I was confident in both of those area’s; trusting him and being completly willing. It’s possible (and unfortunatly my reality) that when I spoke those words to him, I envisioned an Amazing Race type moment. I finished the task and was expecting to be given an envelope of my next clue. Oh man,…the thoughts that go on in this head of mine!

Needless to say, that didn’t happen. In fact, God took my 5’10 frame down a level and put me back in my place (a place I seem to seldom stay).

So, here it is (remember I said how jumbled this post would be!) my revelation. And by the way, when I say “revelation”, I don’t mean like a magical moment or anything extraordinary, like a unicorn speaking these words (sorry, but when I think of magical…I think of a unicorn…and yes, I just had a tangent inside of a tangent)..more like a fact that should be common sense, but isn’t, in which I become aware of after a little “love tap” from the Big Guy upstairs! 🙂 So back to the revelation, I “humbly” brought to God’s attention that I was finally trusting him and was truly willing to do whatever and go wherever; and when I was expecting something, anything really to pat me on the back for doing my part… I came to the realization that it’s not about me. Now don’t get me wrong…I’ve known for quite sometime that it’s not about me in the “worldly sense”, but in the spiritual sense…better yet…in the relationship sense between me and God…even in that place, it’s not about me. Let me try to explain further.

Even though I try not to, I sometimes view God as the keeper of knowledge and plans to my life (which he is), but I think that I have to accomplish certain tasks or mature to a certian level before I can be given the next phase or chapter of my life. I guess it’s easy to turn your relationship with God into something like that since thats what the world consist of; to get anything, you must give or be or do or acquire…. And so here I am, waiting, for the next chapter in my life…knowing full well that there must be more than this, there must be more I can do, there must be more people to help, money to give, time to lend, circumstances to help change. And I wait. What I thought depended on me, being spiritually ready and mature or close to perfect in my relationship with Jesus (which I’ve come to grips will never be) doesn’t at all. It’s not about me. Not one bit. So I finally trust him? Great! I’m finally willing? It’s about time! Graduated College? How’d that happen…I mean great, good job! Saved enough money, worked hard, regularly tithe, memorized scripture, joined a bible study, ….Great! It’s not about me. Not even in the spiritual stuff. It’s about Jesus. It’s about the “picture” he sees for my life and the many people he’s going to place in it for me to invest love, time, encouragment, etc into. It’s about his glory and not mine.

Although we are called to live above reproach, people who live self-controlled, upright and godly lives (Titus 2:11-14), it’s still not about us, but all about him and for him. The responsibilty of trying to be perfect isn’t made to fit our shoulders, and it sure is heavy on mine these days. At the end of the day and at the end of my life, it’s not whether I failed, but if I followed. It’s not about me. In middle school and high school, I heard those words a lot from my parents and brother…mostly when I was whining and complaining about my selfish endeavors and hearing those words were never relieving. But to hear them now and in every sense of the phrase, it’s humbling and a relief to know that everyday when I fail at being this perfect person in my relationship with Jesus, that I struggle with believing I have to be, …it’s not about me, even then.

And so with the jumbled post and thoughts and potential arguements some of you might have with the ramblings above, I leave you with this; Take peace in knowing that God will use you and speak to you and love you and lead you, imperfect and unworthy as we are. The great things his plans entail for you don’t depend on you, but him. Be faithful, hard working and have integrity with where you are and who you are now. Do the best with what you have and be confident in the unconditional truth that He is more than enough for you…for me.


random is as random does.

28 May

talk about a weird day. to continue on with the randomness of it all, let me sum it all up for you in random thoughts below…

A 6ft 5 moose came to my office today…a moose…just walking around in the parking lot and then into the office as if it was part of his routine. a moose people.

I still can’t physically walk normal due to Sargent Brandon Lovelace who rightfully kicked my butt at the gym. I look ridiculous and constantly get asked, “Why are you limping”.

A lady walked into the bathroom behind me today and because i had just drank a billion glasses of water, I didn’t bother to turn and acknowledge her…that is until I closed the stall door and realized that she was edging on 7ft and immediately felt violated since she could see over the stalls. and I thought i was tall…

An old man sat talking in the corner at starbucks today on what looked to be his bluetooth. I was thankfully distracted by his akward staring because I was with my cousins. I figured he probably didn’t realize he was staring so creepily since he was talking up a storm on his “bluetooth”. When he got up from his chair to walk out…there was no bluetooth, no phone…nothing. Sounded like an interesting conversation nonetheless.

 A man at the gym deceided to share the tv screen on my treadmill tonight to watch the laker game, although he had his own screen. He then proceeded to follow me to the bike and share once again. Thank you creepy man, you have now made me miss short shorts guy from spin class… at least he respects my “bubble”.

I can’t wait for…

24 May

1. My brother to come visit with Amy :)….FINALLY!

2. Summer volleyball…heck…summer anything!

3. The BIGGEST Lovelace Family Vacation ever in San Diego!!

4. The 4th with The Arments (hopefully!)

5.  Seeing some of my favorite HS girls graduate!

6. Meeting the 4th Arnold girl!

7. summer hikes and kayaking

8. camping & bonfires

9. Big BBQ get togethers with friends

10. turning 25….actually, I can wait for that. Yikes!

11. a possible redemption of our RV trip!

12. spontaneous trips

What are you looking forward to?

pet peeve #378

12 May

Tonight, my family and I, were sitting in the hotel lobby playing Rummy cards, which has apparently become our “night-cap” while on vacation. This particular night drew in the crowds of people unlike the peaceful other nights we’ve had. In fact, there was a crowd of people who just stood next to our table and laughed, talked and drank…quite loudly.

Well, this one man, thought quite highly of himself. So much so, that he made sure to talk about how great he was every chance he got. As I was trying to focus on the card game, since i was losing quite horribly as usual, I couldn’t stop overhearing how ridiculous this man sounded! What made me laugh was the fact that he was telling his group of “friends” how wonderful and expensive his wool suit was. He even made the guy next to him feel it, as though by feeling the wool would help you realize how “expensive” it truly was.

It was a scene out of Anchorman. “Everybody come see how good I look!”

As my dad and I couldn’t help but laugh, my dad chimed in a said under his breath, “yeah, dude, cool…you’re bragging about your expensive wool suit in Palm DESERT”.

Some people’s kids…I tell ya!

In Palm Desert for the week :)

8 May

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a week full of long walks/runs in the heat, laying by the pool, exploring, reminiscing with family and no work!

to give or to glorify?

7 May

that is the question.

Recently, our pastor proposed the question, “What if we asked God to glorify himself in our situations, circumstances, problems, etc., instead of asking him to help us get through them, out of them, over them and as far away as we could from them”. (well, he asked it a lot more intelligently than I, but from dramatic effect…bear with me)

What would that look like? How different would I act? What would be different?

As I wrestled with that question, yes..literally wrestled, becuase honestly, I felt that the question wasn’t very compassionate, loving or even a reflection of the God I serve. I mean, isn’t God there to help us? Give us strength when we need it? Hope when we have none? Answers when we are left dumbfounded? I mean, how inconsiderate of a question is that to lay aside asking God for help and instead asking him to glorify himself in our misery and pain!

And so I wrestled. Determined (and stubborn) to dispute, what I thought, was inevitable.

And then it hit me, ever so painfully and humbling. The question at its very core is simply, “What if we focused on God in our “issues” instead of ourselves?” What if we actually laid everything at his feet and looked to him instead of starring at all of our junk? What if… bear with me….this is a tough pill to swallow….what if, it wasn’t about us? I know…the concept is a rough one to fathom. Hence the previously mentioned “wrestling”.

I think it struck such a chord in my heart becuase it goes against the very core of humanity, the essence of who we are as people. To not be in control of a situation and give what little control you can gather to God and not only that….but control to not be given to, but control to have him be glorified for.

What if, when tradegy struck, we began to ask God to glorify himself…simply meaning “to elevate himself…make himself known”. How would our prayers change? How would our perspective/outlook/attitude be different? I could tell you one thing…there’d be a lot less me’s and a lot more Him’s.

Instead of asking for courage for myself, he could bring grace for others.

Intsead of asking for strength when I’m weak, he could offer salvation for others.

Instead of peace, possibilty that others may come to know.

What if, at the lowest points in our lives, the biggest moutains we encounter, the worst situations we come across…we prayed and begged and pleaded that God would be glorifed in all of it and in the process, that he might even be willing to use a messed up girl like me? What if we stopped asking God to give, give, give and started asking that he would be everything that he says he is and in doing so, would be made known, even in the most gut wrenching circumstances of our lives. What if we stopped using God and started believing him? Yikes. I realize that was harsh, but if you’re anything like me at times…then maybe you can relate.

Sometimes, I have this amazingly one-sided realtionship with God when I’m going through hard times in my life. I talk to him more than ever before and I tell him how horrible things are and how badly I need him to help me out. Me, me, me. Give me strength, give me wisdom, give me peace, give me direction, give me joy, give me, give me, give me. And in that moment I’ve become that overweight kid in the candy store whose begging their mom for more when clearly they have enough. I’ve missed it…by a long shot. I’ve got to be honest and say that it is so easy to justify being self focused when your in pain or facing hard times in life. To be even more honest, God is so good and gracious to us that even adores our self-centered prayers, but we so clearly miss it when we ask God to fill us with what he already has. We miss the pure fact that He is everything we need, when we need it and how we need it.

Please don’t miss what I’m saying becuase you’re struggling with the fact of disagreeing with me on the issue that its okay to ask God for stuff becuase that’s not what I’m saying. I’m merely suggesting, that our lives could be so incredibly, life altering different, if we focused on God instead of ourselves, especially in the darkest points of our lives. He has all that we need and more and he is more than enough for us…for you…for me.

To be completely transparent…it’s WAY easier said (or blogged) than done. Even this week, I find myself asking God to show me what’s next for my life. And than I realize I’m a hypocrite to my own blog post 🙂 and change my prayer to ask God to be known in my life. Instead of giving me direction for the future, I’m asking that he glorify himself today.

And then I pray later in the day and I make it about me once again. I can see that it’s going to take some practice, which thankfully, God isn’t shocked by. He knows me and my stubborn and slow learning process and thankfully he loves me regardless. Emphasis on “thankfully”! I’m such a mess, but He isn’t and that’s defiently worth focusing on.

Happy bday Dad!

3 May

Happy Birthday Dad!

 “Any man can be a Father but it takes someone special to be a dad.” — Anne Geddes

Happy Birthday to my favorite Dad :). You are, hands down, the funniest man alive with Will Farrell a close second. You are the only one that is as ridiculous and sarcastic as I am and you are the only one that beats me at laughing at the stupidest things. I love that we still laugh at jokes we cracked almost 10 years ago…even when they weren’t funny then and even less funny now! At the ripe young age of 48, you still prove to be (what I like to call) a professional goof ball :). You continue to set the bar high for any man and greatly impact everyone that you encounter. You are a man with integrity, pose, humilty and honor. I am so proud of you and all the amazing things that you’ve accomplished in your life. Thank you for every game, concert, dance recital, tennis match, long winded conversation you’ve sat through at my expense…well, actually yours ;). You are the best dad a kid could ask for and I’m so thankful that you’re mine. 48 years young and looking forward to many more.

Happy Birthday Dad! I love you!